humor | Hugo Ferreira

🔗 The Up-Goer Five Text Editor

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 21:13:30 +0000

Can you explain a hard idea uso g only the ten hundred most used words? It’s not very easy. Type in the box to try it out.

💭 Navigating people: The antisocial guide to survive social gatherings

Mon, 10 Jul 2023 22:16:07 +0000

Parties and social gatherings with many people can be interesting… or a complete nightmare. Either for work or for family, there are times where we’re not up to it and yet, because we couldn’t get away, we must do attend.

Doesn’t matter what the reasons you have to lack enthusiasm on a particular social gathering. You can be a shy person. Or an introvert¹ that is needing alone time to recharge your batteries. Or even an extrovert² that isn’t keen on being with a particular group of people.

These tips can help you survive such situations…

First things to remember are the following guiding principles:

Look busy
Avoid eye contact
Move around
Everyone cares about themselves

Look busy

Most encounters in social gatherings happen when someone sees you idle. People don’t like to interrupt. So don’t be idle. Read a pamphlet, scribble notes somewhere, pretend to send a text. Your phone is an excellent tool to look busy and avoid people approaching you.

Avoid eye contact

At all costs! For real. This is the main invitation signal for people to approach you, even if not immediately. Allowing eye contact, nodding, and other common social rituals, are an open invitation. Close those doors.

Move around

A moving target is hard to hit, so always be moving. Be slow, pause for a bit but don’t stay for long in the same place. If you stay put, you’re creating opportunities for other to approach and engage. It’s harder to talk to someone who is going somewhere. People don’t like to interrupt and you can always say you’ll be right back.

Everyone cares about themselves

Since everyone’s focused on their own experience, no one cares what you are doing. People remember the interactions they’ve had, not the ones they didn’t. Who they talked to, not who they didn’t. This opens ample opportunities to survive a party by “walking between the raindrops”.

These guiding principles apply is many ways and to many situations. Here are some examples…

— In a walking around cocktail-style event —

If you see someone approaching, don’t try to identify who it is. Curiosity killed the cat and you’ll end up creating eye contact by accident. Turn away in a slow page, as if you didn’t notice and go look for something else to do, like choosing what to eat from some tray.

Never join an area of the table with lots of people on it. You might end up eating the less popular food but you need to prioritise avoiding people. That’s what’s more important!

Going to pick up some food but someone anticipates you and gets there first? Pretend something distracted you (a painting on the wall, a flower on a vase, your shoelaces) and buy time. Approach it again only after the person has left. Nothing opens the door to conversation like deciding who gets the last croquette.

Always have food with you. If someone is entering the danger zone looking to chat, start eating, look away and walk out. People tend to not interrupt if your eyes are on your plate and no one expects an answer from someone chewing.

Another option is having a drink with you. Doesn’t work so well (taking a sip is too fast compared to chewing a bite) but can be better than nothing.

Are you seeing movements for social games like “musical chairs” or, god forbid, a “conga line”? Great timing to step outside for a smoke, go look for the bathroom or answer some “urgent” messages on your phone.

If someone catches you on the way out and insists you join the “fun”, answer with “yes, I’ll be there right after”. Saying “no” will only make it worse. You become a challenge and will engage their evangelisation impulse. They’ll try to convince you with “it’s so much fun”, “you must join”, “it’s not the same without you”, etc.. Answering “yes, later” fulfils their desire to gather people around and buys you time. Time after which you’ll have no intention of following through, of course.

Don’t stay outside too long though. If you abuse it, people will worry where you are and be more motivated to approach you asking if everything is ok.

— In a sitting down conference-style event —

Joining a restaurant where you’ll have a group meal together? Make sure to be in the middle of the pack. This way there’s already enough people seated when you join the table to let you read the room. Yet, there will still be enough seats available to let you choose the most pleasant or quiet people to sit next to. Don’t be the first ones to sit since you’ll have no control who sits next to you and it’s awkward to move away once you’re seated. Also, don’t be the last ones to sit since all the good places will be gone and you’re now stuck with the group’s leftovers.

Is it a place where everyone’s lined up in chairs, like in a cinema, for a talk or to watch some family holiday pictures? While everyone is setting up things, go grab a beer or sneak into the toilet. Let others occupy the seats first. When you’re back, skip the chairs and stand at the very back against the wall. You’ll be safe from happenstance conversation about what you’re watching.

Does someone take a wall spot too close to you? Be discrete but be quick (as if you’ve just realised something) and go pick something else to eat or drink. Then stay around that area and don’t return to where you were on the wall. Remember, it’s more important where (how isolated) the place you’ve pick something from is, than what you picked up.

Sitting down is risky because it affects your mobility but if you want to sit, avoid clusters of empty chairs. An empty cluster might be appealing because there is no one there. But since there are so many free seats, it’s very risky. Someone outside of your control can sit right beside you and start a conversation.

Choose a chair at the end of a line and pull it way from the others if they are movable. Never sit in chairs in the middle of a row: too many chances to get people on either side of them.

If you can stomach the noise of children, and there are some around, pick a chair next to them. That keep most of the other people at bay, especially guys. If you sense someone approaching, look at what the children are doing as if you’re interested. Give a faint smile and focus on whatever they’re doing or chatting about. This will send a message of “being occupied” and people won’t want to bother you.

— At the end of the event —

Never be the first one to leave the party. You’d have to say goodbye to everyone and explain each time why you’re leaving “so early”. Plus, you’ll have to deal with all the “ooh, already?” and “why don’t you stay longer?” departure rituals.

Pay attention to the first people to leave, and take a “ride” with them. Let them take the blunt of the departure ceremonies. Wait for those to finish and the ones staying get tired and give up trying to convince them. Then you can nudge the hosts with a shrugging “I need to leave as well 🤷” and walkout together with the first people. Timing for this is critical but the resistance will now be minimal. You can finally take yourself out of there, into freedom.

Being invisible in a crowded party is a subtle art. Present and mingling with people, while absent without engaging, and without raising suspicion.

Hope these guiding principles and tips can help you survive such places without harm.

Take care.

And realise this is a work of fiction, doesn’t necessarily have any parallels with reality… kinda 😏

via GIPHY

Shared to…

🔗 The New Devil's Dictionary

Mon, 10 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Spot on! 🙂

Android (n.) : A mobile operating system, generally seen as inferior to iOS.
See iOS

iOS (n.): A mobile operating system, generally seen as inferior to Android.
See Android

(via Tao of Mac )

Source: The New Devil’s Dictionary

🏞 Reactions to New Technology

Tue, 04 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

🏞 Scrum, in theory vs. in practice

Sun, 22 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

uxreactionsofficial:

Scrum, in theory:

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Scrum, in practice:

🏞 Boogieman

Tue, 24 Feb 2015 07:07:28 +0000

somecallmekek:

great sacrifices must be made

📺 Everything You Hate About Advertising

Wed, 26 Mar 2014 07:07:28 +0000

(via Everything You Hate About Advertising in One Fake Video That’s Almost Too Real | Adweek)

This is a Generic Brand Video

Made entirely with stock footage from Dissolve

… and adding to the shopping card all the licensed clips of this 2:30 movie would set you back:

Total: $6,645.00 USD

yikes! :-/

( Source: https://www.youtube.com/ )

📜 Everybody is somebody else's monster

Wed, 12 Mar 2014 07:07:28 +0000

Everybody is somebody else’s monster.

Greg Knauss (via An Entirely Other Day: The Empathy Vacuum )

🔗 30 Reasons Why James Blunt Won At Twitter In 2013 | The Poke:

Wed, 26 Feb 2014 07:07:28 +0000

30 Reasons Why James Blunt Won At Twitter In 2013 | The Poke:

Marmite pop star James Blunt has been returning perfectly crafted smackdowns at trolls who take a pop at him on Twitter.

🏞 Questions vs. Answers

Fri, 03 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“789” height=“1100” srcset=“tumblr_myu2n8D3J21qz82meo1_1280.jpg 789w, tumblr_myu2n8D3J21qz82meo1_1280-215x300.jpg 215w, tumblr_myu2n8D3J21qz82meo1_1280-734x1024.jpg 734w” sizes="(max-width: 789px) 100vw, 789px"}

Is it better to have lots of “questions” or to be full of “answers”?

See the full comic strip @ A DAY AT THE PARK | Kostas Kiriakakis

🔗

Tue, 22 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

::: {style=“margin-bottom:5px”} If programming languages were religion{target="_blank"} from katherine goodier{target="_blank"} :::

(via If programming languages were religion )

I originally wrote this article in December 15, 2008, and posted it on the Aegisub blog. I’m re-posting it here for archival purposes.

— Rodrigo Monteiro

( Source: http://www.slideshare.net/ )

🏞 Her Diary vs. His Diary

Fri, 26 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“493” height=“559” srcset=“tumblr_mqf1c3xQG21r456j0o1_500.jpg 493w, tumblr_mqf1c3xQG21r456j0o1_500-265x300.jpg 265w” sizes="(max-width: 493px) 100vw, 493px"}

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing’. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My code is broken, can’t figure out why.

🏞 Every new technology...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“259” height=“430” srcset=“tumblr_mnp35oEU9p1qz82meo1_400.png 259w, tumblr_mnp35oEU9p1qz82meo1_400-181x300.png 181w” sizes="(max-width: 259px) 100vw, 259px"}

Maybe before we rush to adopt we should stop to consider the consequences of blithely giving this technology such a central position in out lives.

(via xkcd: Insight )

🔗 Dicionário algarvio de termos e dizeres do Algarve (já com o novo acordo ortográfico) | Vitor Madeira

Fri, 31 May 2013 07:07:28 +0000

Dicionário algarvio de termos e dizeres do Algarve (já com o novo acordo ortográfico) | Vitor Madeira

Eis o esboço para a grande obra a inaugurar em breve, o grande “Dicionário algarvio de termos e dizeres do Algarve (já com o nove acorde ortugráfique)”

🏞 Date Formats (ISO 8601)

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“392” height=“457” srcset=“tumblr_mkqxyb9cYa1qz82meo1_400.png 392w, tumblr_mkqxyb9cYa1qz82meo1_400-257x300.png 257w” sizes="(max-width: 392px) 100vw, 392px"}

ISO 8601 was published on 06/05/88 and most recently amended on 12/01/04.

(via xkcd: ISO 8601 )

🏞 Text from Dog

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

textfromdog.tumblr.com

🏞 (image)

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:07:28 +0000

Technology giants at war: Another game of thrones | The Economist (via Charted Territory – Tao of Mac )

🔗 Google Maps Art

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“533” height=“254” srcset=“tumblr_mam9uwgr9c1qz82meo1_540.jpg 533w, tumblr_mam9uwgr9c1qz82meo1_540-300x143.jpg 300w” sizes="(max-width: 533px) 100vw, 533px"}

Tell me this isn’t the most original thing you’ve seen all week. And don’t expect anything less than original from Christoph Niemann, a regular illustrator over at The New York Times online with his own opinion blog – Abstract City.

(via Clever Google Maps Manipulations by Christoph Niemann )

🏞 When will we forget?

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“340” height=“1059” srcset=“tumblr_m8wgn0BWUk1qz82meo1_1280.png 340w, tumblr_m8wgn0BWUk1qz82meo1_1280-96x300.png 96w, tumblr_m8wgn0BWUk1qz82meo1_1280-329x1024.png 329w” sizes="(max-width: 340px) 100vw, 340px"}

By this year _____, the majority of americans will be too young to remember _____.

(via xkcd: Forget )

🔗 Sleep Talkin' Man

Sat, 12 May 2012 07:07:28 +0000

Sleep Talkin’ Man

My mild-mannered English husband Adam lives quite a colorful existence in his dreams. Having benefited from hours of delight at his dead-of-night musings, I thought it only fair to share them with the world.

🔗 Titanic.js

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 07:07:28 +0000

Titanic.js

… the story of the infamous Titanic, written in JS code

#titanic { float: none; }

🏞 Almost ready...

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“500” height=“708” srcset=“tumblr_m0zmikfPuh1qz82meo1_r1_500.jpg 500w, tumblr_m0zmikfPuh1qz82meo1_r1_500-212x300.jpg 212w” sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px"}

(via Geek And Poke: Almost )

📺 Plot Device

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 07:07:28 +0000

https://vimeo.com/24320919

billwesterman :

helloyoucreatives :

Its just a simple plot device.

Couldn’t stop watching!

( Source: https://player.vimeo.com/ )

🏞 Logical Reasoning

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“852” height=“595” srcset=“tumblr_lnlixkcYZy1qz82meo1_1280.png 852w, tumblr_lnlixkcYZy1qz82meo1_1280-300x210.png 300w” sizes="(max-width: 852px) 100vw, 852px"}

(via The Ground Zero Mosque | Bonkers World )

🏞 Org Charts

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“980” height=“955” srcset=“tumblr_lnli8bLT6F1qz82meo1_1280.png 980w, tumblr_lnli8bLT6F1qz82meo1_1280-300x292.png 300w” sizes="(max-width: 980px) 100vw, 980px"}

(via Organizational Charts | Bonkers World )

📋 Nascimento dos Filhos

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 07:07:28 +0000

Ordem do Nascimento

1.º filho é de vidro…
2.º é de borracha…
3.º é de aço.

Planeamento

1.º filho é (em geral) desejado…
2.º é planeado…
3.º é escorregado.

As Fotografias

1.º bebé — Os irmãos mais velhos têm álbum de fotografias completo, relato minucioso do dia que vieram ao mundo, fios de cabelo e dentes de leite guardados.
2.º bebé — O segundo mal consegue achar fotografias do primeiro aniversário.
3.º bebé — Os terceiros, não fazem ideia das circunstâncias em que chegaram à família

O que vestir

1.º bebé — Você começa a usar roupas de grávidas assim que o exame dá positivo.
2.º bebé — Você usa as roupas normais o máximo que puder.
3.º bebé — As roupas para grávidas são as suas roupas normais, porque já deixou de ter um corpinho de sereia e passou a ter um de baleia.

Preparação para o nascimento

1.º bebé — Você faz exercícios de respiração religiosamente.
2.º bebé — Você não se preocupa com os exercícios de respiração; afinal lembra-se que, na última vez, eles não funcionaram.
3.º bebé — Você pede para tomar a epidural no 8.º mês porque se lembra que dói muito.

O guarda-roupas

1.º bebé — Você lava as roupas que ganha para o bebé, arruma de acordo com as cores e dobra delicadamente dentro da gaveta.
2.º bebé — Você vê se as roupas estão limpas e só descarta aquelas com manchas escuras.
3.º bebé — Meninos podem usar rosa, não é? Afinal o seu marido é liberal e tem certeza que o filho vai ser macho igual ao pai! (será que vai mesmo?)

Preocupações

1.º bebé — Ao menor resmungo do bebé, você corre para lhe pegar ao colo.
2.º bebé — Você pega no bebé ao colo quando os gritos ameaçam acordar o irmão mais velho..
3.º bebé — Você ensina o mais velho a abanar o berço ou manda o marido ir ao quarto da criança.

A chupeta

1.º bebé — Se a chupeta cair ao chão, você guarda-a até que possa chegar a casa e fervê-la.
2.º bebé — Se a chupeta cair ao chão, você lava-a.
3.º bebé — Se a chupeta cair ao chão, você passa-a na camisa, dá uma lambidela, passa-a de novo na camisa, desta vez para dar secar e não pegar a doença dos sapinhos ao bebé, e dá-a novamente ao bebé, porque o que não mata, engorda (vitamina B, de Bicho, off course!)

Muda de fraldas

1.º bebé — Você troca as fraldas a cada hora, mesmo que elas estejam limpas.
2.º bebé — Você troca as fraldas a cada duas ou três horas, se necessário.
3.º bebé — Você tenta trocar a fralda somente quando as outras crianças começam a reclamar do mau cheiro.

Banho

1.º bebé — A água é filtrada e fervida e a temperatura medida por termómetro.
2.º bebé — A água é da torneira e a temperatura é fresquinha.
3.º bebé — É enfiado directamente debaixo do chuveiro à temperatura que vier, porque você, o seu marido e os seus pais foram criados assim, e ninguém morreu de frio.

Actividades

1.º bebé — Você leva o seu filho às aulas de musica para bebés, ao teatro, à narração de histórias, à natação, ao judo, etc…
2.º bebè — Você leva o seu filho à escola e vá lá…
3.º bebé — Você leva o seu filho ao supermercado, à padaria, à manicure, e o seu marido que trate de o levar à escola e ao campo de futebol…

Saídas

1.º bebé — A primeira vez que sai sem o seu filho, liga cinco vezes para casa da sua mãe, para saber se ele está bem (a sua sogra não pode ficar com a criança porque na sua cabeça, ela nunca foi mãe).
2.º bebé — Quando você está a abrir a porta para sair, lembra-se de deixar o número de telefone à empregada.
3.º bebé — Você manda a empregada ligar só se vir sangue.

Em casa

1.º bebé — Você passa boa parte do dia só olhando para o bebé.
2.º bebé — Você passa um tempo olhando para as crianças só para ter certeza que o mais velho não está apertando, mordendo, beliscando, batendo ou brincando ao superman com o bebé, amarrando um saco de plástico do Continente ao pescoço dele ou atirando-o de cima do sofá.
3.º bebé — Você passa todo o tempo a esconder-se das crianças.

Engolir moedas

1.º bebé - Quando o primeiro filho engole uma moeda, você corre para o hospital e pede um raio-x.
2.º bebé - Quando o segundo filho engole uma moeda, você espera até ela sair.
3.º bebé - Quando o terceiro filho engole uma moeda, você desconta na mesada dele.

🏞 Infographic about Infographics

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“490” height=“710” srcset=“tumblr_l168s8VJcC1qz82meo1_500.jpg 490w, tumblr_l168s8VJcC1qz82meo1_500-207x300.jpg 207w” sizes="(max-width: 490px) 100vw, 490px"}

Percentage of Infographics which Give Talented Info-Designers a Bad Name by information aesthetics

🏞 Weekly WTF

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“500” height=“375” srcset=“tumblr_ky00n9epyW1qznavao1_500.jpg 500w, tumblr_ky00n9epyW1qznavao1_500-300x225.jpg 300w” sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px"}

A Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F …

📜 nano, mini, micro, pequenas e médias empresas

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 07:07:28 +0000

nano, mini, micro, pequenas e médias empresas

Gato Fedorento in “Esmiuça os Sufrágios” definem as NMMPME

🏞 Movie Characters

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“660” height=“416” srcset=“movie_narrative_charts_large-1024x646.png 1024w, movie_narrative_charts_large-300x189.png 300w, movie_narrative_charts_large-700x442.png 700w” sizes="(max-width: 660px) 100vw, 660px"}

These charts show movie character interactions [over time].

Movie Narrative Charts – By Randall Munroe (via Pedro Custodio )

🏞 Pinocchio Conundrum

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“432” height=“432” srcset=“tumblr_ksr1hm1vBQ1qz82meo1_500.jpg 432w, tumblr_ksr1hm1vBQ1qz82meo1_500-150x150.jpg 150w, tumblr_ksr1hm1vBQ1qz82meo1_500-300x300.jpg 300w” sizes="(max-width: 432px) 100vw, 432px"}

What if Pinocchio said: “My nose will now grow.”

(via A Great Conundrum | SRS BZNS )

🏞 Pepsi… pode ser

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:54:27 +0000

Leo Xavier:

Novo slogan da Pepsi em Portugal baseado na análise ao comportamento de 95% do mercado português com a marca. Credit a alguém que deu esta ideia na mesa de almoço do último Barcamp PT em Coimbra – não me lembro quem!

📺 Louis C.K. in Conan O'Brien's Show

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 07:07:28 +0000

Louis C.K. in Conan O’Brien’s Show

Everything’s amazing, and nobody’s happy

Give it a second, it’s going to SPACE!!!

How quickly the world owes him something he knew existed only 10 seconds ago!"

📜 Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you walk away

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 07:07:28 +0000

Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you walk away

… love to watch you walk away, but rather see you come

🏞 Obama Election

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

{width=“500” height=“220” srcset=“buAmlI5IVed13di6SXAvScjBo1_500.jpg 500w, buAmlI5IVed13di6SXAvScjBo1_500-300x132.jpg 300w” sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px"}

US Election vs. the world

🏞 Boat Managers

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:07:28 +0000

True story!

This is how it feels to work in an emerging branch office with a total of:

1 country manager
1 professional services manager
1 sales manager
1 pre-sales manager
1 office manager
1 senior consultant → me!

“Não é gestão, é congestão” 🙂

📜 George Carlin’s essential stuff

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:07:28 +0000

money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, cigarettes, contraceptives, vaseline, whips, chains, whistles, dildos, and a book

George Carlin, essential “Stuff”

📜 shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 07:07:28 +0000

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

George Carlin, " Seven Words " (" Again! “, 1978)

🔗 "Ken Lee" International Community

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:07:28 +0000

“Ken Lee” International Community

Now, with its own fan site?!?

📜 ken leeee..

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 07:07:28 +0000

ken leeee…
tulibu dibu douchoo

Valentina Hassan @ Bulgarian “Music Idol”